Maidstone Nightclubs

Jumping Bruvs.

Jumping Bruvs, Maidstone’s night spot popular for those who find Chicago Cock Cafe too intellectually demanding, is rumoured to be reconsidering its admission policy in the wake of the recent lack of disturbances inside and outside of their premises. A reliable source – Chavy Didoli -who is always reliably on the sauce told The Tissue ‘I fink fings really kicked off last Friday or Saturday or maybe Thursday night. The bouncers let in a crowd of people who did not have valid forged ID. I knew they was trouble when they verbally abused the bar staff by saying ‘please and thank you’ when ordering drinks. My suspicions were proved correct when one of them bang out of order asked for a glass for one of the girls. What the fuck is going on I thought. JBs used to be a decent venue where you could get totally rat arsed for a score, shag a slapper outside against the bins where everyone has a piss and stand on the steps giving it large. Double what the fuck is going on?

Ivana Hump an insecurity employee of the establishment categorically confirmed there may or may not be changes to their future door policy. Through a translator he told The Tissue ‘It has recently gone right uphill. I long for the old days when you could dish out half a dozen moderate slappings before midnight and be involved in some really nice gratuitous hard core violence later. I’m thinking of going back to the Mother Country but Glasgow is a shithole in the winter.

A document found in a wheelie bin purporting to be JB’s future door policy has come into the possession of The Tissue. The document appears authentic written in red crayon.

1. No one admitted who is not ‘already arseholed ’

2. Strict dress code – White shirt black slacks brown boots.

3. All shirts at least three buttons undone. Chunky gold chains must be worn at all times.

4. All door staff must be addressed as Bruv or Geezer.

5. Anyone found getting sober on the premises will be forcibly ejected.

6. Acceptable names on fake ID. Aaron, Arran, Aaron Gitear.

7. Acceptable names on girls fake ID. Chantelle, Chardonnay, Charity Babe.

8. Girls earring hoops to be at least 6’ in diameter.

9. Weighbridge installed – no entry to girls under 10 stone.

10. Thongs must be visible at all times.