Maidstone Council

Slapper Dancing Club - Part Deux.

Low level plans to transfer council meetings from the uninspiring not fit for purpose Town Hall to the more convivial surroundings of the proposed Yacht Club  riverside floating lap dancing club were this week thrown into disarray. Having granted a generous until 5am. alcohol licence and in full knowledge of the nature of the business they (the council) were stunned by the public outpouring of parochial prurience in the letters pages of the local  newspaper – The Kent Pravda. Fearing civil unrest from the coalition formed by The Church Of Later In The Day Bigots and a retired boating pond superintendent - Rear Admiral Bufty Tufty- the council frantically searched for a disingenuous escape route. Long did the candle burn in the not fit for purpose council chamber.  Every bureaucratic avenue was explored to pull the bilge plug on this venture. Even ancient legislation dating back quite a long time was examined in fine detail in the search of a get out of jail free card. Alas as the cold light of dawn filtered through the not fit for purpose windows of The Town Hall no plausible tactful retreat solution had been found.  The council were resigned – and so they should.

 At this point – allegedly – a junior intern on work experience arrived and pointed out although the owners had convinced MBC of the merits of their venture, obtained the alcohol licence and shelled out a not inconsiderable sum on the boats - and all that was needed for a respectable Titty Bar, - they had not applied for planning permission; Gotcha!

For Karen and Dave Elston – owner managers of the Yacht Club this eleventh hour scuppering will be hard to take. They have taken advance membership fees, arranged corporate bookings and even gone that extra mile in pledging to provide ‘dry cleaning services’ (check the website) for those customers overcome with emotion. They may argue they should be allowed to open and retrospective planning permission granted - this does happen. Cynics (moi?) may point out in this case it is very unlikely. In deference to their revered spiritual leader – Sainted Margaret Of Pit Closures – Tory controlled Maidstone would undoubtedly hold the view ‘they are not one of us’.  True to their Conservative beliefs and less mindful of Camerloons pledge to speed up planning decisions they state that even if the Elstons submit an application  it would take a minimum of one year before they refused.

The Tissue waits with baited breath for future plans to enhance the riverside.

In the previous piece on this I mentioned the strange silence from the ‘We Are Wonderful Town Centre Management’. On news of the demise of the still born Yacht Club they break wind. Billy Toss the myopic clown centre manager, who is in his own words ‘The Talk Of The Town’, applauds the proposed sinking. He mentions - as did The Tissue - that maybe presentation skills were not the Elstons strongest suite. He then goes on to give gushing praise to the decision to grant planning permission for the old Loder & Payne building in Bank Street. Apparently this long neglected historic building is going to be converted into what Maidstone has always wanted – wait for it - a nightclub. Where exactly is this new nightclub Bill? Just a couple of doors up from the existing no problem with planning permission  Titty Bar I think. So no crass hypocrisy there then.

Maidstone Nightclubs

Jumping Bruvs.

Jumping Bruvs, Maidstone’s night spot popular for those who find Chicago Cock Cafe too intellectually demanding, is rumoured to be reconsidering its admission policy in the wake of the recent lack of disturbances inside and outside of their premises. A reliable source – Chavy Didoli -who is always reliably on the sauce told The Tissue ‘I fink fings really kicked off last Friday or Saturday or maybe Thursday night. The bouncers let in a crowd of people who did not have valid forged ID. I knew they was trouble when they verbally abused the bar staff by saying ‘please and thank you’ when ordering drinks. My suspicions were proved correct when one of them bang out of order asked for a glass for one of the girls. What the fuck is going on I thought. JBs used to be a decent venue where you could get totally rat arsed for a score, shag a slapper outside against the bins where everyone has a piss and stand on the steps giving it large. Double what the fuck is going on?

Ivana Hump an insecurity employee of the establishment categorically confirmed there may or may not be changes to their future door policy. Through a translator he told The Tissue ‘It has recently gone right uphill. I long for the old days when you could dish out half a dozen moderate slappings before midnight and be involved in some really nice gratuitous hard core violence later. I’m thinking of going back to the Mother Country but Glasgow is a shithole in the winter.

A document found in a wheelie bin purporting to be JB’s future door policy has come into the possession of The Tissue. The document appears authentic written in red crayon.

1. No one admitted who is not ‘already arseholed ’

2. Strict dress code – White shirt black slacks brown boots.

3. All shirts at least three buttons undone. Chunky gold chains must be worn at all times.

4. All door staff must be addressed as Bruv or Geezer.

5. Anyone found getting sober on the premises will be forcibly ejected.

6. Acceptable names on fake ID. Aaron, Arran, Aaron Gitear.

7. Acceptable names on girls fake ID. Chantelle, Chardonnay, Charity Babe.

8. Girls earring hoops to be at least 6’ in diameter.

9. Weighbridge installed – no entry to girls under 10 stone.

10. Thongs must be visible at all times.

Lap Dancing in Maidstone

Lap Dancing in Maidstone.

The County Towns strategic plan to make the river walkway between the high level bridge and the Archbishops Palace as hideous a visual experience as possible is almost complete. The overbearing architectural nightmare known as ‘Travel Nookey Lodge’ stands as a proud sentinel gatekeeper to a visual feast of retail warehousing. Aptly in the warehouse marketing business these are known as ‘Sheds’. Eat your heart out Slough. However Maidstone council are not an authority to sit on their laurels – or any other shrub – and have turned their attention to the neglected South bank. This stretch of insipid municipal concrete has for far too long been only the regular haunt of the exceedingly thirsty and those in need of a little brown bag and hypodermic needle pick me up. Ok, I will concede that once a year the annual River Festival transforms this stretch of mundane river frontage into a quite splendid Bacchanalian carnival; an event where Maidstone’s decent hardworking stakeholders can enjoy the spectacle of warring boat owners setting fire to each other’s craft with the added frisson of unpredictable loutish behaviour induced by the excess drinking of beverages of a distilled nature. However what was really needed was a bit of all year round class – something to complement the planning department’s visionary acumen. Step forward Karen and Dave Elston.

 They plan, and the nesse-scary licences have been approved by the council, to moor two floating Gin palaces –stern to stern- and open a euphemistically titled ‘Gentleman’s Club’.  Karen and Dave are not hopeful amateurs in this business – they have a bit of form. They also own and manage ‘The Ginger Beaver’ a former pub located somewhere in the back of beyond on the outskirts of town. This establishment also caters for the discerning ‘Gentleman’ with ‘fully nude’ (is there any other?) lap dancers and that staple of Gentleman’s clubs from The Carlton to The Athenaeum – naked mud wrestling. You may be forgiven, if by chance you’re driving past ‘The Ginger Beaver’ for believing it was a derelict building awaiting the demolition mans ball. However I am sure the estimable Karen would disabuse you of this notion by quoting that wise sage Dolly Parton. ‘Most people just don’t know how much money it cost to look this trashy’.

 Now if the tone of this piece sounds as if I am against the Elstons project because of some moralistic fervour you could not be further from the truth. The 'Outraged of Maidstone' letters to the local papers from assorted God botherers who, as always, predict the full Armageddon wrath and vengeance of their loving God to be visited upon all that enter into this den of Hades - actually make me inclined to wish to contribute to its success. However there does appear to be a pattern here. In a town increasingly blighted by our municipal bleeders who’s vision can’t quite clear the myopic hurdle of cheap and tatty I suppose the entrepreneurial direction of providing a tart with a heart to gyrate naked upon the laps of paying punters taken by the Elstons -  is what to expect. They would of course be providing employment opportunities and I would not foresee them having any problems recruiting attractive hostesses as The University For Creative Tarts is local. Having twenty pound notes shoved where the sun don’t shine is a trifling inconvenience and a damn site more lucrative than the usual student means of making a bit of cash saying ‘do you want fries with that’.
 The Town Centre Mismanagement team have been so far strangely quite in making comment. Maybe they are waiting for it to open so they can send anonymous 'Gentlemen' to test the water and dip their wick before making a judgement. Invicta rowing club who have some tastefully tatty sheds adjacent to the river below the high level bridge have made a late bid to get this project scuppered. Through their vice president they have issued a quite splendiferously analy retentive statement full of Daily Mail humbug. Seems that young lads rowing past these boats would be immediately overcome by thoughts best not dwelt on - thoughts that rowing was supposed to sublimate and as a consequence gain an unwanted stroke.  Shame about the river side though, how it could have been – too late now.

Police Intelligence

Crime Smackdown.

On Wednesday, after months of careful planning and evaluation of their intelligence, Kent Police in coalition with fellow plods in Essex staged a massive day of action. The Kent and Essex Totally Not Light-hearted Crime Directorate targeted known criminals and their hideouts. Large buildings surrounded by high walls a topped with razor wire were singled out for careful forensic scrutiny. Assistant Chief Constable Pugsey Malone confirmed that premises at Elmley, Cookham Wood, Stanford Hill and Maidstone were raided and a large number of known criminals were found to be hiding in cunningly disguised cells concealed behind locked doors. Although no arrest were made all those found were given a good telling off.

Hard on the heels of this success on Thursday Maidstone’s own finest from the CID office raided premises in the town centre. Startled innocent hard working decent Maidstone stakeholders were shocked when several or more police riot vans screeched to a halt in Week Street and the shouted command of ‘go, go go, was heard. Passing shambolic wreck ‘Bullshit Bob’ told The Tissue ‘about thirty guys dressed as storm troopers decamped from the vans and although the doors were open smashed their way into the building’. He addled ‘I have lived in and around and under the bushes of Maidstone for years and it is not the kind of thing that happens round here – got any spare change’. A speaks person for Maidstone CID confirmed that an intelligence led raid had taken place and a large haul of drugs had been discovered. No arrests have been made at this time but he didn’t discount further action once the haul had been analysed and sampled by the Palace Avenue Posse. A person at the raided premises calling himself ‘The Manager’ has stated his shock, horror and surprise at the raid but did concede the targeted premises - known as ‘Super Drug’- do indeed sell products of a pharmaceutical nature.

Maidstone United

Maidstone United.

The Chuckle Fréres, Maidstone United’s new French owners, have pledged themselves to a precise flexible timetable to bring The Stones home and have a new ground built within the next hundred years. The previous owner’s worthy but over ambitious plans to build a shed and an outside toilet on land adjacent to Whatman Way were scuppered when the football foundation refused to sanction a £39 grant. However the fresh impetuous the new owners bring and their willingness to empty their wallets in paying off the business debts bring much needed gaiety to the Town. For too long the local Chamber of Commerce has been dominated by those attempting to make a profit from their business so it is hugely reassuring when two enthusiastic if slightly delusional characters appear. They will get all the assistance they need from a soccer mad council. Councillor Wishbone Ash the closet member for something and leisure welcomed the news. ‘It has long been my view that the decent hard working law abiding stakeholders of Maidstone deserve a football team and stadium to be proud of’. He added ‘as a compassionate and soccer crazy council we are and always have been fully committed to helping Maidstone United identify a site somewhere local in the Outer Hebrides or Cornwall. Now the Whatman Way site is once again talked about I look forward to the day when Maidstone’s soccer starved families can enjoy a pleasant Saturday afternoon fraternising with Millwall supporters and exchanging friendly banter over a post match drink in The County Council social club. A note of dissent was expressed by local Green With Discord Party spokesperson Wolfie Throwback who said ‘we would prefer the site left derelict and retain its rustic charm and ecological bio diversity. To this end we are organising a demonstration and calling for a general strike to alert the people of Maidstone to this unwanted development. What we say is let Whatman Way remain as a wildlife sanctuary for the endangered invisible newt, disadvantaged asylum seekers and unemployed Polish plumbers.

Good News Week

Park and Slide.

Following on from last year’s success in not putting down salt or grit on the town’s main thoroughfares during the pre- Christmas snow Maidstone Council have been able to secure funding ,if the weather again turns inclement, to repeat the exercise this year. A mystery benefactor, wildly rumoured to be ITV’s You’ve Been Framed, has offered to pay £250 for each CCTV video of a moderately bewildered pensioner attempting to walk across an ice bound Maidstone Bridge and going arse over tip in consequence. Cllr Benny Shitebeard  the kitchen cabinet member with responsibilities for ‘Public Inconveniences’ has allegedly stated ‘once again the value of the CCTV cameras being able to track the movements and pratfalls of Maidstone’s senior residents has come up trumps. He went on to add ‘all revenue received will go to fund an ‘Impact Assessment’.

Neighbourhood  Watch.

Absolutely fabulous news reaches The Hermits Cave nerve centre of The Tissue. The contractors busily bolting on the two huge shipping containers to Maidstone’s hysteric Museum have received a prestigious award from the world renowned ‘Considerate Destruction Scheme’. Inspector John Sayers, a man with letters after his name, judged the contractors, amongst other criteria, as being ‘good neighbours’.  This is welcome and reassuring news to the resident bandstand motley crew of next door Brenchley Gardens. A spokesthing for the crew – recovering Cro-Magnon Asbo Billy- told The Tissue ‘the last thing you need when all you want to do is hang about smoking a bit of weed, shouting at the pigeons and having a larf tanking up on White Lightening is bad attitude inconsiderate neighbours’.

If you have been affected by the content of this article please feel free to hesitate before attempting to contact The Tissue as we are very nearly always out to lunch.

Re-gentification

High Street Re-gentrification.  Its definitely on – oh no it’s off.

Maidstone’s ambitious plans to pave the High Street and make it a bus, taxi, disabled badge holder, emergency services, dustcarts, cyclist, delivery vehicles and pedestrian only thoroughfare have fallen victim to the wave of common sense that temporally disabled Maidstone’s senior councillors last week. The council had previously stated ‘under no circumstances whatsoever would the High Street re-gentrification be affected by cuts to the council’s budget’ – and then changed their mind. High Street Liberal Decimate ward councillor  Clive Of England spoke to The Tissue, through a clairvoyant, about why he was in broad agreement with the Tory led decision. He said ‘as a Literal Decimate loyal to the great leader Clegg I reserve the right to say one thing before an election and take a diametrically opposite position once the peasants have been suckered and I have been elected. We have paid the consultants, had lengthy meetings, formed committees and sub-committees put up lovely artistic licence impressions of how it would have looked if the High Street was ten times wider and because nobody was aware of Travis Perkins just down the road at Aylesford sourced the building materials from China. In the end it came down to how best to waste four million quid and quite frankly in these constrained times we believe together with expert and expensive consultants we can collectively find an alternative way.

A note of sadness was expressed by Councillor Kaffy Culture who said ‘isn’t it a pity, isn’t it a shame. We were going to encourage the night time economy junk food retailers to put out nice indigenous aluminium tables and chairs. It would have been so Mediterranean as Maidstone’s decent, hardworking law abiding stakeholders could sit outside -  responsibly sipping a cheeky Pinot Noir that speaks of stones and fresh rainwater - whilst enjoying the ambiance of throwing out time at The Chicago Rock Cafe. She added ‘this project has not been abandoned but stored in the box marked ‘mythology’ alongside ‘the southern approach road’. I would like to assure the residents of our wonderful county town that it will be periodically re-evaluated and consultants and lawyers given the opportunity to submit their invoices for payment in the usual way.