Park and Slide.
Following on from last year’s success in not putting down salt or grit on the town’s main thoroughfares during the pre- Christmas snow Maidstone Council have been able to secure funding ,if the weather again turns inclement, to repeat the exercise this year. A mystery benefactor, wildly rumoured to be ITV’s You’ve Been Framed, has offered to pay £250 for each CCTV video of a moderately bewildered pensioner attempting to walk across an ice bound Maidstone Bridge and going arse over tip in consequence. Cllr Benny Shitebeard the kitchen cabinet member with responsibilities for ‘Public Inconveniences’ has allegedly stated ‘once again the value of the CCTV cameras being able to track the movements and pratfalls of Maidstone’s senior residents has come up trumps. He went on to add ‘all revenue received will go to fund an ‘Impact Assessment’.
Neighbourhood Watch.
Absolutely fabulous news reaches The Hermits Cave nerve centre of The Tissue. The contractors busily bolting on the two huge shipping containers to Maidstone’s hysteric Museum have received a prestigious award from the world renowned ‘Considerate Destruction Scheme’. Inspector John Sayers, a man with letters after his name, judged the contractors, amongst other criteria, as being ‘good neighbours’. This is welcome and reassuring news to the resident bandstand motley crew of next door Brenchley Gardens. A spokesthing for the crew – recovering Cro-Magnon Asbo Billy- told The Tissue ‘the last thing you need when all you want to do is hang about smoking a bit of weed, shouting at the pigeons and having a larf tanking up on White Lightening is bad attitude inconsiderate neighbours’.
If you have been affected by the content of this article please feel free to hesitate before attempting to contact The Tissue as we are very nearly always out to lunch.
No comments:
Post a Comment