Maidstone Council

Slapper Dancing Club - Part Deux.

Low level plans to transfer council meetings from the uninspiring not fit for purpose Town Hall to the more convivial surroundings of the proposed Yacht Club  riverside floating lap dancing club were this week thrown into disarray. Having granted a generous until 5am. alcohol licence and in full knowledge of the nature of the business they (the council) were stunned by the public outpouring of parochial prurience in the letters pages of the local  newspaper – The Kent Pravda. Fearing civil unrest from the coalition formed by The Church Of Later In The Day Bigots and a retired boating pond superintendent - Rear Admiral Bufty Tufty- the council frantically searched for a disingenuous escape route. Long did the candle burn in the not fit for purpose council chamber.  Every bureaucratic avenue was explored to pull the bilge plug on this venture. Even ancient legislation dating back quite a long time was examined in fine detail in the search of a get out of jail free card. Alas as the cold light of dawn filtered through the not fit for purpose windows of The Town Hall no plausible tactful retreat solution had been found.  The council were resigned – and so they should.

 At this point – allegedly – a junior intern on work experience arrived and pointed out although the owners had convinced MBC of the merits of their venture, obtained the alcohol licence and shelled out a not inconsiderable sum on the boats - and all that was needed for a respectable Titty Bar, - they had not applied for planning permission; Gotcha!

For Karen and Dave Elston – owner managers of the Yacht Club this eleventh hour scuppering will be hard to take. They have taken advance membership fees, arranged corporate bookings and even gone that extra mile in pledging to provide ‘dry cleaning services’ (check the website) for those customers overcome with emotion. They may argue they should be allowed to open and retrospective planning permission granted - this does happen. Cynics (moi?) may point out in this case it is very unlikely. In deference to their revered spiritual leader – Sainted Margaret Of Pit Closures – Tory controlled Maidstone would undoubtedly hold the view ‘they are not one of us’.  True to their Conservative beliefs and less mindful of Camerloons pledge to speed up planning decisions they state that even if the Elstons submit an application  it would take a minimum of one year before they refused.

The Tissue waits with baited breath for future plans to enhance the riverside.

In the previous piece on this I mentioned the strange silence from the ‘We Are Wonderful Town Centre Management’. On news of the demise of the still born Yacht Club they break wind. Billy Toss the myopic clown centre manager, who is in his own words ‘The Talk Of The Town’, applauds the proposed sinking. He mentions - as did The Tissue - that maybe presentation skills were not the Elstons strongest suite. He then goes on to give gushing praise to the decision to grant planning permission for the old Loder & Payne building in Bank Street. Apparently this long neglected historic building is going to be converted into what Maidstone has always wanted – wait for it - a nightclub. Where exactly is this new nightclub Bill? Just a couple of doors up from the existing no problem with planning permission  Titty Bar I think. So no crass hypocrisy there then.